Still Here
by Purple Rhapsody
Summary: It was the only barrier blocking me from shedding my old life and attempting anew, away from this frenzy and panic... Oneshot, double Rose POV


**It changes POV in the middle as indication by the page break, but it's still Rose. Read on:)**

* * *

"Can I take your name please, love?" An officer with a clipboard asked me. I was prepared to say the usual "Rose DeWitt Bukater," like I had done countless times before. But somehow I didn't want to anymore. I didn't want to wear a mask that made me cold and unforgiving. I couldn't, not with Jack in my mind constantly. He was the only thing that had kept me from leaping off the back of the Carpathia. I had promised him that I would go on, and be a survivor like he is. Was. 

"Dawson," I said with sorrowful pride. "Rose Dawson." He nodded and moved on, to the next person whose name he needed to record. I sighed and absentmindedly reached into my pocket for a comfort I knew wouldn't be there. It never would be there, in my pocket or otherwise. I needed something to get me through this heart wrenching battle with fate.

But surprisingly I felt something brush against my hand. I sighed, wishing that Cal had let me keep the warm fabric of a blanket Jack had originally thrown over my broken body. I didn't have any tangible piece of Jack to remember him by. He lives only in my soul now.

I had been strong, though not strong enough. For if I had been strong, I would have made Jack live. I should have made him promise me never to let me go, if not for him then for me. Because I needed him now more than ever, we were supposed to start our lives together, travel through thick and thin.

My fingers intertwined with a chain and then something cold. The heart of the ocean! How had it lasted this long? It was the heart of the _ocean_; it should've stayed there! Stayed with the memory of the Titanic. For now, it could only cause me pain and sad memories of when Jack drew me wearing nothing but this. This necklace was not a semblance of Jack; it was a semblance of Cal. And now Jack was gone—the necklace should be too. It was the only barrier blocking me from shedding my old life and attempting anew, away from this frenzy and panic.

But that would have been nearly impossible. I had just finally taken off my mask; I did not want to have to put it back on and become the person that Cal craved, my mother doted upon. If my mother ever found time in her hectic schedule to dote, that is. Oh, Jack! You promised you wouldn't let go, that means you're still here, help me! I need you by my side, now more than ever—please come back. My desperation had reached its peak in my state of emotional heartache.

Yet hadn't Jack taught me to live my life to the fullest? When I was learning from him I always assumed that he would be there with me, right alongside me, every step of the way. I guess things just don't work out as they planned.

But I knew in my heart that I would never see the love of my life again, at least not the way that I knew him. I would have changed; he would no longer accept me and join the company of a girl he once loved. Because it was my fault—in my desperation to survive I should have _ensured _that he had as well. I could have bargained with Cal, or pleaded with Mother…

Internally, I knew that my musings were ridiculous. I guess it's natural to doubt oneself after such a tragic event took place. Yet my silly realization made me bitter as I stepped off of the ship, letting a cool breeze wipe over my tearstained face. I hope I never come face to face with Titanic again.

* * *

I grasped the cold jewel that was in my hand, knowing that at any minute Mr. Lovett would find me and stop me, so I might as well get the deed done and over. Although I thought that I would never return, when I saw my drawing on the television something was pulling me back here. It's been eighty-four years, and I think I was finally ready to let go after all this time. I had moved on after Jack, though he was always in my mind for certain. Even as I was giving birth to my first daughter, I could sense him there. I needed him there, even with my husband on the opposite side of me, panting and sweating right along with me. That was the hardest thing I've had to do, conceiving a child that would never know the true love of her mother. Of course, Benjamin Calvert was a good man. I was through with arrogant con men; the one thing I didn't need was another Cal in my life after that. Though I thought it ironic that the last name of my spouse had had the name of my previous fiancée entangled in it. 

I never poured my heart out to anyone about that night. The night when so many perished, yet I lived. Why? I was somehow destined to live, Jack had made that pretty clear to me, but why? It didn't seem fair. Nothing seemed fair.

I ascended my way closer and closer to the edge, looking out at the water that lied ahead of me in awe. So many painful memories flashed back into my head, but I pushed them aside for now. I knew that they would come later in the nightmares.

So this is it. This is what I was waiting my whole life to do, drop possibly one of the most expensive necklaces in history into the ocean where it belonged. To be reunited with that night to remember.

I gave a little sigh as I finally gathered enough pluck to toss it over the sigh, and let out a little yelp. I let my face form into a satisfied grin; I now felt complete.

--

That night, in my sleep, I didn't have the nightmare I had expected. I dreamt I was reuniting with Jack in the most passionate and perhaps meaningful moments of my life.

Maybe it wasn't a dream at all. I just stayed in his embrace, reveling in utmost pleasure and contentment. This was how it was meant to be.

* * *

**Well, I've been having major Titanic writers block. I'm not very happy with this, but I wanted to see what other people thought of it. The title was taken from the Langston Hughes poem of the same name; it's a great poem that sort of ties along with what Rose is going through. **


End file.
